power of n

i don’t know when when i took this picture nor whose house is it i just remember that i was walking around our old village and i decided to take a picture of this gate. looking at it, am still intrigued in a way with this image. i like it in a weird way; the way the gate opens so slightly, the worn out iron gate, the old feeling it gives. i always feel hopeful seeing this picture. gives me comfort and a warm feeling. like a freshly baked choco fudge.

i’m getting sentimental, one can always argue that it’s old age but i think it’s more of self awareness and appreciation. i always say that i’m ok being alone, being single but it’s only now that i fully understand what being single means to me. it’s not that i love being single but i have come to terms with it. i used to believe that being single is a like being a social outcast, a leper. putting meaning when there’s none. i’m only 31 but i feel i just survived a midlife crisis. if this is one, it means i’ll live ’til 62 give or take 2 years.

the things is, when you feel so alone, you are not. trust me, you are never alone.

listening to:
The Language of Life - Everything But the Girl : The Road

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for the last 2 day, i was tinkering with my server. it’s was quite impossible for me to upgrade my blog engine because of the enormous data i host. my  server went offline once because it was trying to backup my files and created a single 100+ gb of backup file. most of these are audio files that i share and will share; am planning to create a streaming radio-watch out for this! sparing you the techno-babble, i was able to segregate my blog engine with my picture gallery, numerous other blogs i host (barkada blog - tsongers.com), file server and ftp server. i have a mirror site (http://blog.friedreich.com.ph) that i use to authenticate to openID. so what do all of these means? just the same old blog with an optimized backend.

which comes to the point of this entry, people can’t appreciate what they can’t see. it’s understandable, we are very visual, we depend 90% of the time with our sense of sight. we notice even the slightest change in hair style, discoloration, mismatch clothes, weight gain and loss, even your mobile phone.  it’s logical that people do change their appearance to be liked and appreciated. now comes the magical and hard to swallow but, but how about our specs? how many friends you keep, your generosity of heart, your warmth, selflessness, sense of humor, things that really matter. people seldom get appreciated with their compassion, with their ability to share themselves. case in point, person a spends 60,000.00 on a nice supple, leather bag and person b donated the same amount to charity. who among these 2 you think will people huddle around for a look-see?

this post is not pointing fingers, i am guilty most of the time. this is about self awareness, on how much value we put into how we look and not how we feel.

update: specs is a jargon for specification, defined as a detailed, exact statement of particulars, especially a statement prescribing materials, dimensions, and quality of work for something to be built, installed, or manufactured by answers.com.

listening to: 
The Ultimate Luther Vandross - Luther Vandross: A House Is Not a Home

life’s a bitch.

why does it always hurt when it suppose to feel good?

listening to:

out of sheer boredom, i decided to head to the office this friday. supposedly i am to report on monday, january 7 using my much accumulated c.d.o. (compensatory day off) but i have nothing better to do at home. though i am supposed to finish a book that i promised myself to finish before 2007 ends. it’s not surprising that i have nothing to do, it’s a friday and i’m on bench. technically i have nothing to do but to sit on my chair, check my email and wait for the time to tick away, or until they find me a new project.

i was able to reach the office at 2.00pm, called the i.t. support hotline because my account got locked during the holidays. it’s was very nice of amik (india i.t. hub) and the password reset was quite fast. after that, i head to viktor at podium to have my  redux (vx design) pair fixed — the button suddenly fell out, and to check the lining of the the suit i have ino make for me. i asked for gold or silver or metallic wine. what they have is brown that is not what i have in mind. good thing that i checked it first. hopefully it will be ready before the wedding this 19th. then i headed for national bookstore for some wrappers for my christmas gifts for the office. i hand christmas gifts after the holidays, it has been a tradition for me not the go with the rush of the holidays, including valentines. i hid in one of the nego-rooms at the office and wrapped all my gifts. i’ll post the pictures later, forgot to take some. everyone says that the wrapping is nice, well i have to say it is. i really find time to make the wrapping extra special. by 6.00pm, it’s time to pack up and head for serendra, penny called up for dinner and coffee. had pad thai noodles at thai silk. freaking serendra is so crowded, you really have to reserve 2 hours before. coffee, tea and cake at coffee bean. jake at coffee bean. had interesting conversation while waiting for richard who was having dinner at mangan. did you know that the filipino translation of airplane is salipawpaw? who knew?

finished late, around 1.00am. so kind of jake to drive me over my place. you know what, i think i’m born sarcastic and single for the rest of my life. this is not a resignation but rather a realization, better accept things as they are rather than hope for something too that will never be. c’est la vie.

listening to:
Evil - Eartha Kitt: I Want To Be Evil

i never like holiday breaks. last year, i spent my break at the office, so technically i didn’t had any. i chose to spend it in the office to iron out problems at the project level and at the same time to get me on board with all the crazy things happening there. this time is different. i just stayed at home. at home with my mom and yaya. though my sisters did spend the christmas and new year with us, but unlike me, i had the whole 2 weeks off.

i have to say that even though i never did look forward to the holidays, more so the long break, i did enjoy having our moments as a family. i love my relationship with my mom; there’s no more taboo between us, even sex and sexuality. having my sisters with us, we talked about almost everything, our childhood, growing up, favoritism that until now mom wouldn’t admit having. by the way, i’m the least favorite. we’ve also talked about the inevitable future, mom leaving to the u.s. to migrate and mom’s favorite topic, me and my spending no existent savings. i drained my so called savings when i went plastic happy at union square and madison avenue at my last trip. it gave me a sense of family that i have not felt for a long time. i have to blame myself for that, choosing work over.i felt a little sentimental, this would be our last christmas together since mom is migrating and i am not big at family gatherings…

-oOo-

i share dats‘ sentiments and feeling, sometimes, if not most, i feel like giving up. but why bother with all those questions and ifs and what not, i’m done questioning, enough with the questions (channeling my inner carrie in season 6), it’s time to do. 

listening to:
Affection - Lisa Stansfield: All Around The World