i keep fooling myself that it’s ok, you can handle it, new experience. in all honesty, it’s under control. but the lure to cross beyond is tempting, more that what i fear. not for anything else, i am tempted to try, to see how it is and how it would play out. i am already in its gaping jaws, i’m more than halfway to walk away. curiosity kills the cat as they say, siting here i wonder if i would have the same fate. i’ve decided for now to go against what i would normally do. this time no more reservations, no fears. hedonistic as it may sound, i need to do this and i will do it.

you don’t need to taste sugar to know it’s sweet. but i need to.

yes, i looked like a kid, a gawky kid at that. i was always in my most comfortable. now you understand when i say that it isn’t always about comfort. i don’t know how it happened but i’ve changed a lot. most noticeably is my body. how i dress (dress up is a more fitting term), my demeanor, taste in food, even my habits. i am no longer that ‘kid’, but i will always be that person. the one outside looking inside the candy shop.

i can’t really express it into words. my friends have a front row seat on how and when, but not the why. even myself can’t think of the why, but i guess that is what we do, we change. for some it’s because of a specific experience or a person or even circumstances. i simply change because that is what i suppose to do. even now i’m still changing, and changing and changing. it’s a good change for me; i was able to drop that kid look in 3 years, and i no longer have to bring with me ids entering clubs a watching movies. but the thing is, i feel old, not because i look older. that part of me who’s silly, carefree, adventurous, the part who’s spontaneous and laughs unknowingly at myself is somewhat gone. everything is a calculated move as all grownup should do. you should be politically correct, sensitive to all issues…

times have changed; some positive, some not for the better. but that is all what we have, a spoonful of change to shake up your stale life.

listening to:
All The Best – Tina Turner: Proud Mary

meet john. a contestant at

, a reality tv show in vh1 for aspiring fashion photographer. but if you gonna ask me, he should be the one whose picture should be taken. he is so freaking HOTT! with that angular jaw and distinct, flowy hair, he could easily book a job. i hope that he would make it. let’s all cheer for john.

am not really into reality tv, specially tila tequila and i love new york 2; these are the kind of show that makes you wanna jump out of the terrace of a 22nd floor apartment. this show is really something and gives good insights and perspective of being a fashion photographer. and of course america’s most smartest model; laughing is good for your soul, seriously. your health couldn’t be perfecter.

listening to:
The Confessions Tour – Madonna: Isaac

I wasn’t really surprised that he was, in both account –being full of himself and homophobic, like that. What I am surprised is his animosity to gays. Yesterday was the clincher. I was watching Camp, which is a cool-cool movie, and most of the male stars there are portrayed as gay. I happen to be a gay advocate, not because I am gay and all, but I believe in equality, equal opportunity; and his reaction to the movie was horrendous. He didn’t even care what the story is about, the life of the people in the movie. All I hear are snide comments of the film being gay. I respect him, his individuality. If he is like that, all I can do is respect him. Right after Camp was Rules of Attraction, another good movie. One, as in singular, of the lead roles is gay who made a pass to a closeted guy. Being closeted that he is (I hate people in hiding!), he beat the crap out of the gay guy when he made a pass at him. And you know what? He, my flatmate, was chanting, nay-coaching the closeted guy to beat the hell out of the other fellah. With his kicking gestures, I look him in the eye. Wide eyed and not batting an eyelash; I was intent of making him aware that I do not like how he is reacting. He got the message and wave peace sign on both hands. That does it; I can’t be in a room with this person! Went straight to my room and lock the door. Goodness, he calls gay people freaks!

Fuck! As in mother fucker!

i seriously need to quit… my nerves is consuming me!

well i did what i usually do when at work when i want to get things done. i have a list of all deliverables. assign people to do the tasks. perform gap analysis to achieve results. create risks analysis and a plan b just in case. but unlike work that is all black and white, my life is filled with gray matter in between. yeah, my brain spilled gray matter all around that it is mixed somewhere down my toes to my head.

life is never black and white. anyone who says otherwise is either fooling himself or haven’t live at all. don’t be confused, i am not complaining that it is so. i love it that way it is, throwing curve balls now and then to keep me in my toes. but i wish sometimes, just sometimes, that i get a heads up, a warning sign much like a light tower for things to come. for some, i shouldn’t be complaining, i should be grateful with the things i have. i am. i have great friends, a somewhat good job, i can afford the little luxury of life, a kick ass jazz collection. but somewhere between the tsongers and julia fordham singing girlfriend, i have this space in me. a space i used to think that the sweet sound of plastic swipping would fill. but alas, it didn’t do the trick…

but next week, i will be transfered to a busy-busy project. i hope i won’t miss doing nothing.

watching dune part 2 now. waiting for 10.30pm for the meeting.

just next time don’t ask why. ok?

I’ll miss you guys!

Monday. Still jetlagged, I went to Makati to attend to my mounting credit card bill. Amex is so earning from me. After trips to my back and then to Amex, I went to the office and said hi to the rest of the TMS Tech Arch team. Chit-chat, hi-hellos, I gave my pasalubong to Bugsy. Later going home, I passed by Music 1 and checked out the CDs. I intend to get the season 1 and 2 soundtrack. After 30 minutes of going up and down the soundtrack aisle, I finally gave up looking for the CDs. Then there it was, the 4 of them, staring at me. The cast of Will and Grace, in an album cover. I so love the show. I made it a habit, before, to always catch the show at studio 23. Some track I know, specially Britney Spears’ Oops I Did It Again. Reminds me of dahon so much. Most of the tracks are of course gay in nature, I Will Survive, Got To Be Real, The Bitch is Back, and some dance track. I was pleasantly surprised by track 2. A Queen’s song, You’re My Bestfriend. But the most of all, that made the album as one of my favorite, is the last track. Sung by Eric McCormack and composed by Barry Manilow and Lyrics by Eric as well. Living with Grace. A 3 minute 30 seconds song that made me cry after hearing it. Yes, I cried over a song. Intrigued? Go hear it! Eric’s vocals is good, didn’t know that he sings. I am falling in love with the song… fat!!!!!!!!

happiness is the feeling of content without sacrificing yourself or your principle. when you sacrifice a part of you, what is the guaranty that you will be happy? up to when and how much will you sacrifice?

do not fool yourself, open your eyes and live in reality. you know what to do, you just have to do it…

today i went to makati to attend to my finances that is ailing as we speak. i went to metrobank in makati and ask them to draft me a manager’s check to pay my american express card. and by golly! travelling to alabang was a pain in the a$$! too freaking f*cking hot!

at the office in gt tower now. using my office desktop. kinda comforting using a desktop with full keyboard… missing it…

[x] bored.
[x] happy.
[ ] quadrilingual.
[ ] Hawaiian.
[ ] Samoan.
[x] Filipino.
[ ] Korean.
[ ] British
[ ] white.
[ ] canadian.
[ ] black.
[x] hispanic.
[ ] irish.
[x] asian.
[ ] german.
[ ] french.
[ ] a mut or mix of everything.
[ ] swedish.
[ ] short.
[x] in between.
[ ] tall.
[ ] grounded.
[x] sick.
[x] mad.
[x] lazy.
[x] single.
[ ] taken.
[ ] looking.
[x] not looking.
[x] brokenhearted.
[x] IMing someone.
[ ] scared to die.
[x] tired.
[x] sleepy.
[x] annoyed.
[ ] hungry.
[ ] thirsty.
[ ] on the phone.
[ ] in your room.
[ ] drinking something.
[ ] eating something.
[ ] in your pjs.
[x] ticklish.
[x] listening to music.
[ ] watching tv.

have you…
[x] kissed a member of the opposite sex.
[x] kissed a member of the same sex.
[ ] crashed a friend’s car.
[x] been to Japan.
[x] ridden in a taxi.
[x] been in love.
[x] been dumped.
[ ] shoplifted.
[ ] been fired.
[x] been in a fist fight.
[ ] snuck out of my parent’s house.
[x] ever had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] ever dated someone of the same sex.
[x] had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[ ] been arrested.
[x] made out with a stranger.
[ ] stole something from my job.
[ ] celebrated new years in Times Square.
[ ] gone on a blind date.
[x] lied to a friend.
[x] had a crush on a teacher.
[x] celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[x] been to Europe.
[x] skipped school.
[ ] slept with a co-worker.
[ ] cut myself on purpose.
[ ] been married.
[ ] gotten divorced.
[ ] had children.
[ ] seen someone die.
[ ] been to Africa.
[ ] had a crush on one of my myspace friends.
[ ] slapped someone I loved.
[ ] driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/concert.
[ ] been to Canada.
[x] been to Mexico.
[x] been on a plane.
[x] seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] thrown up.
[ ] purposely set a part of myself on fire.
[ ] been snowboarding.
[x] met someone in person from the internet.
[ ] taken painkillers for fun.
[ ] intentionally burned yourself.
[x] miss someone right now.
[x] kissed just a friend.
[ ] have a crush on anyone right now.
[x] ever been asked to a formal dance.
[ ] sick and tired of the opposite sex.